Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
