it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
