So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
