Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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