i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
