I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
