you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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