I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
