I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
