I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
