Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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