perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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