Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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