summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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