how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
