I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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