You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
