Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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