for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
