so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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