I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
