Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
