I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
