dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
