I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize