The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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