my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
