I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
