Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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