it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
