Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
