Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize