Your face is a jimmy john
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
