its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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