Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I AM VODKA MAN
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
