you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
