Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize