we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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