so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
