Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
