At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
