im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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