I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
