Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
