i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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