Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
