I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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