I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
