I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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