Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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