Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
