I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
