She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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