woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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