how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
