you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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