fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
