sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize