Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need water and some morals
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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