My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My nipple is on Facebook.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
