I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
