running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
