I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
