my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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