I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
