between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
