I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
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