You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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