I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize