if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
