Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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