Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize