idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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