I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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