My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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