sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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